(Heavy sigh.)

I wasn’t going to go. I’ve been duped too many times by productions like this, those promising a feel-good refresh of some beloved narrative, one you find has been hijacked by social justice messaging and only nominally resembles its title by the time the credits roll.

Like Amazon’s rendition of Cinderella? Yeah. Those artless depictions of ‘girl-bosses-are-glorious’ and ‘men-are weak’ themes that are so tiresome, so shallow, so divisive… they gutted the story to the point it was awful. And certainly not Cinderella.

Anyway, I’d decided I was no longer going to give money to this nonsense, to skip the poison pill cloaked in nostalgia – and skip the $50 cost for popcorn and a fountain drink – from here on out. Then a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, one struggling a bit and battling through life solo, reached out and asked if I’d go with her. Ugh. I wanted to see my friend, my boys were fishing in Canada, so I said yes.

To be fair, the costumes and staging are one hundred percent fabulous. Fabulous! It was almost worth going just to see the real-life imaginings of Barbie Dreamland and the props and costumes – they’re that good. Then there were also a half dozen clever, chuckle-inducing lines, not enough to redeem but nice additions.

Buuuuhhht. The sell-out was all there, overwhelming the visuals and rife with the kind of mental hygiene homilies I associate with modern entertainment. Here’s specifically where Barbie disappointed imo (spoiler alerts!):

• The “tension” is all predicated on men vs. women, one must be better than the other, and snore.
• Ken loves Barbie but Barbie is not attracted to Ken/women must apparently love themselves and the betterment of women to the exclusion of men. Please. No, really, please just stop trying to sell this crap.
• The sentimentality is so dang ham-handed.
• Barbie becomes a real girl. This is not progress and we don’t need this. Barbie is idealized and fake for a reason. Please think hard on this premise before inflicting more story perversions on an audience who came to you for an escape.

In summary, someone has seriously missed the point of Barbie. And of movie-making, honestly. If the creators of this one are out there congratulating themselves for bravely saying Things That Must Be Said, they’re deluded. Watch the staging in clips on YouTube and know you’ve seen the best of this one.